Finding Your Voice
by BraveHeartMutt94
Summary: Carlisle Cullen lives as an outcast among vampires until one day he meets Ciro, an artist who will change his life forever and help him to reconcile his past with his present and future. PreTwilight CPOV
1. Chapter 1: An Unexpected Visitor

I took my typical place behind the others, standing shaded from the sunlight streaming through the windows of the large round room. My head hung in abject shame, I waited as I listened to footsteps approaching in the hallway, knowing exactly how this sort of meeting would end. Aro didn't allow me to be absent any longer at Caius and Marcus' strong suggestion, in hopes it would help awaken my true nature, though he and I both knew I hated every moment of it, damned myself mentally for any such instance in where I wasn't allowed to protest, stop the murder. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Aro had demanded I dress in my most formal attire, and to make myself presentable. I had suspicion this week's victim was someone of high standing, which made my stomach turn in knots, but had regardless obeyed his commands. Though, as I listened harder, I could detect no heartbeat, meaning this was most likely another vampire. Given a sliver of hope at a possibly non-violent meeting, my head shot up, and I breathed easily as the doors opened.

"Ciro…a pleasant surprise to meet you again, dear friend," Aro spoke with an air of familiarity as opposed to the typically formal one he used. "Certainly, you found somewhere more glorious in the world than our hellhole," he grinned for the briefest moment, and the other vampire, who seemed good natured, laughed.

"Yes, but I cannot refuse the call of my homeland…cradle of the Renaissance, finer than even Egypt or the Indies. Truly, the Italian countryside is more inspiring than the sands of the desert or the deepest rain-jungles, even if infested with leeches."

I winced. Aro did not tolerate such disrespect, often ending with a burn from Jane or worse, a burn from fire. Though, to my shock, Aro only laughed back.

"You would say that, such leeches being your object of study."

I couldn't help the shocked look spreading over my face…surely, there was something here I had not caught on to.

"Ah," Ciro noticed me. "_Un soldato nuovo,_ I presume?" I barely understood what he meant, as my Italian was still shaky despite perfect recall, but Felix whispered back to me,

"It means 'a new soldier,'" I nodded in gratitude.

Ciro laughed somewhat sadly, almost in regret, but Aro shook his head.

"Not now, but perhaps someday. He is too…merciful, perhaps, but there must be a better word for it…"

"Lenient? Sympathetic? Gracious?" Caius offered, as Aro nodded.

"Yes, all acceptable."

I looked up at the man, who, to my surprise, had golden eyes unlike the others'. He seemed taller than I was, dressed semi-formally, looking imperfect yet happy. He had brown hair long ago bleached by the sunlight which he pulled back, the end of his hair barely reaching what seemed shoulder length, and had a kind, good-natured expression.

"And, how long have you been with the Volturi, _amico_?" He asked me, the English flowing easily into Italian, almost like mine would, his voice apparently forgetting the language it was speaking. Surprised utterly by the first kindhearted vampire I had met before, I replied honestly and curtly.

"Three months."

"Oh, a Briton?" He seemed amused by this newfound revelation, recognizing my accent quickly. "Very good…I fancy myself in good relations with the monarch…Charles I, correct? A bit touchy, but an otherwise pleasant chap…"

"I also lived in France, for the majority of my life, actually." I spoke, though not trying to be antisocial. Really, the thirst was getting to me, and was beginning to make me irritated.

"Pardon me, I assumed from your response…"

"Quite alright."

"So…" Aro spoke, seeming enthusiastic about something. "Carlisle, do be a gentleman and show Ciro his quarters, whilst we have other business to attend to…"

I heard a heartbeat outside the door and swallowed the lump forming in my throat. Trying not to panic, I smoothly stepped down from the raised platform and led the way out, avoiding the main hallway. Right now, any form of pain or death would be unwelcome to me.

"So…your name is Carlisle…" Ciro asked, carrying something in his hands wrapped in a leather satchel. I nodded slowly and he smiled. "Terrific. You must be the one Aro wrote to me about."

"Oh?"

"See, he has told me you and I are alike in many ways…"

"Frankly, I fail to see the resemblance…" I muttered, not remembering he could hear me.

"Charming," he laughed, and I began to wonder if he was ever viewed negatively. "Not in appearance, but in lifestyle. See, he tells me you also refuse to drink from humans?"

"Yes?"

"Good for you, following your convictions instead of the masses." He grinned, as I opened one of the doors. "A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything, after all."

I nodded, as he placed the leather-bound object on the long leather couch, the objects leather older and more abused, a lighter shade of brown than the couch. I looked long and hard at the object, wondering just what it was. Perhaps it was a book of sorts, it appeared the approximate size, though it seemed odd it would be bound so sloppily in leather in what looked more like a bag.

"Wondering what old Ciro has brought here, eh?" He asked, chuckling softly to himself. Embarrassed at being caught staring, I nodded, and he smiled good naturedly.

"It is no trouble at all, you were simply curious, I'm certain. Well, sadly, it is nothing of particular interest to most characters I meet." He handed it to me. "Go on, look all you like."

I carefully undid the tie on the right side and opened it, and was surprised to find it really wasn't a book, after all. On the left side were an array of brushes and sticks of charcoal, with an ink quill placed in for good measure. The right held a pocket, from which I retrieved an endless number of sketches done in charcoal and ink, of almost everything imaginable. Some were of animals and humans, and a few, to my surprise, were of Italy itself, even more of places I had never imagined in my wildest dreams. One, I recognized, was of Aro and the guard, and I stared at it for a long time, contemplating the grace the black lines held. They perfectly sketched out an image of the vampires, looking as if time had stilled and the image had been transferred to the paper.

"You like that one?" He asked, noticing the one I held. "I sketched it almost fifteen years ago, long before you were even a man, I presume. Not much has changed here, has it?"

I shook my head, and handed him the leather object full of sketches and tools.

"You're an artist?"

"Why not?" He countered, smiling at me in question. "I can be whatever I please. I'm nobody's slave. Twas my lifelong dream as a poor boy from Palermo, anyhow, to become one of the great artists…among da Vinci, Michelangelo…" his voice trailed off, and he quickly snapped himself back into the present. "…Though I'm still working on attaining that goal. I figure it does not matter, as I have the rest of time ahead of me. Tell me, did you ever have a dream?"

I couldn't think of what to say. I never had been asked what I wanted, but had always been told what to do and how to do it.

"I do not imagine so, sir." I shook my head.

"Surely you had some goal in life as a human…"

"To become a member of the clergy, though it had been my fate from birth…" Come to think of it, I didn't ever remember protesting this, though I had never remembered wanting it, either. "But not a soul on earth has ever asked me before, what I wanted to do…"

"Then I shall help you find just what that is," he spoke with resolution. "And neither the Volturi nor the world may stop me."

"God?" I asked, wondering what he would respond with.

"Why would God make mankind creative and clever if he did not want them to do what they loved most? It seems rather strange, to me." He placed the sketching tools aside and spoke to me face to face. "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, Carlisle…though not all men can sing. My voice…" He turned to the folder. "Is my art. You simply need to find yours…"

I nodded. Perhaps this would help me discover something to keep my mind off the raging heat in my throat.


	2. Chapter 2: Decision on a Whim

As twilight settled in on Volterra, the others made their way to their respective chambers, turning in for the night though we needed no rest. I heard a knock on my door, and, not to be rude, I answered it.

"Ciro?"

"Yes, ah, from what I remember of being young, my thirst was intense. I assume Aro would not allow you to hunt unattended, as he did with all the others, and I'm quite parched myself, so would you care to join me?" He seemed to notice my subtle attempts at acknowledging this earlier, every so often reaching up and scratching my throat though it did no good.

"Certainly." Finally…I had been seconds away from tearing my hair out in frustration. Not needing to be goaded on, I dashed down the hallway, Ciro on my heels.

"Where to? You know the territory much better than I…"

"The forest outside town. Deer live there…not filling, I admit, but enough." I said, as he consented to this idea.

We had to travel through the village at human speed, the smell around me more and more tantalizing by the very moment. Ciro kept a firm grip on my arm, determined not to let me fail my promise to myself and the world at large. He seemed unperturbed by even the most tempting humans, and I made note to question him about it later. I felt venom pool in my mouth as temptation settled in, but Ciro kept holding onto me, even when I almost attacked him once. Eventually, we made it out of the city limits, and I hastily found the nearest deer and slew it, thirsty from age as well as being unable to hunt for a while. He followed my lead, taking down a large buck but not letting me out of his sight, and after the buck was able to wait at my side as I tried to mitigate the hunger I felt, at which I barely succeeded. I twice attempted to leave, not wanting to make him wait, but each time he stopped me, shaking his head.

"Take your fill, first, then we will leave. There is no rush."

I gave him an unsure look, then tried to leave again, whilst he again stopped me.

"As I said earlier, we are in no hurry. Given the tone of your eyes, you have never been completely satiated, even for a moment…you will feel much better, if you are."

I took out what seemed the majority of the small herd in the woods, maybe five or six deer. Though, he was right…I could hardly feel the burn in my throat any longer, and did feel in a much better humor.

"An improvement, if you ask me…" he chuckled, contemplating something. "Ebony didn't suit you at all, Carlisle…I'd say amber is a much needed improvement…"

Not understanding what he was talking about, I gave him a confused look, as he smiled at me.

"You will see what I mean when we return. In addition to that, you may grow somewhat taller, gain definition…all part of the effects of venom. You won't be as tall or strong as a vampire who drinks solely from humans, but hey, you'll still have more presence than a normal human. Come, the streets will be dark now…we had best be returning before the real monsters come out, right?"

I nodded, and followed him back to the mansion just outside the town's gates.

As soon as we returned and I got a good look at myself, I saw what he had meant. I could only gaze at my reflection in shock, as my eyes had gone from burgundy to black, and then, now to an orangey amber.

"They will be the same as mine, someday…" he said, golden eyes glinting in the soft candle light. "Provided you do not slip…then they will be burgundy, and fade back, if you choose to live this way. You look somehow gentler than the others do, as most of us who refrain from drinking of humans do."

"There are others?"

"There must be, somewhere…we surely can't be the only ones in the wide world, now, can we?" He asked me rhetorically, as he fetched something from his closet. "I know of at least one other…he's a good friend of mine. I digress. Anyhow, surely you wouldn't mind if I changed my clothes, would you? I've been wearing the same ones for two days, now, and they are rather uncomfortable."

"Not at all."

He didn't seem to care too much about modesty, as the others did, and removed his shirt in front of me without thinking anything of it, and I noticed he was definitely more defined than I was, a replica of some of the finest carvings in the world. I saw what he had meant, and would have been blushing madly if I was human when he noticed me staring at him.

"I'm sorry…I had no idea, you didn't look that strong…"

"Think nothing of it. You were…shocked, is all." He pulled his shirt on the rest of the way. "Believe me, it wears off, after you get used to it, and most vampire women expect it, anyway…" He chuckled somewhat nervously. "You'll become more defined as time passes. Then you would be a model fit for even the best artist…or at least, could stare at yourself, hm?"

I grinned halfheartedly at this attempted humor, thankful he hadn't overreacted. Caius would have murdered me without a thought, or, as Marcus suggested to me multiple times, might have stripped down and gone at it with me right then and there.

"Now, what to do until morning, what to do…" He pondered this, glancing over the books in the room. "I do believe I have read most of these, and must say, I have different tastes in literature from Aro, anyhow…he is fascinated with the rather macabre, wouldn't you say?"

"Um…" Would Aro care?

"Have a backbone, Carlisle! Form your own opinions…long as you do not hate or otherwise attempt anything negative based off them, it is perfectly okay to think whatever you wish about people! I state my opinions all the time, and I'm not dead, quite the contrary!" He laughed. "Aro is frightening, but is truly soft, once you know the man. He is a dear friend of mine…sure, we have our differences, but we can see past them. Surely, he has a noble heart, past his sometimes chilling exterior…why do you think he took mercy on a random vampire as yourself, with no power useful to him at all? Certainly at no benefit to himself, but…"

I'd never thought about it before…maybe Aro did have a heart, past all the intimidation he used.

"Do you mind if I sketch you, my friend?" Ciro asked me, eyes glittering. It was hard to refuse the man, I had to give him that.

"Not at all," I replied, not bothering to look up from my book. He withdrew charcoal from the leather book and immediately set to work, outlining my body.

"So…there must be something you wanted to do with your life…can't go through life without a goal, or you would just get lost…did you see any point to what you did in your past? Any driving point behind it?"

"I didn't ever feel pulled to do it, no…actually, I was quite intimidated by it. I did not want to kill the vampires I stalked…I let one go once, whom we had been chasing forever…and she did me a great service. She saved my life when I was attacked by a group of them, and since little else could be done, changed me…she told me she was a harmless one, who chose to drink from animals instead of humans and was grateful I had heart enough to even wonder if all vampires weren't the same, but was ultimately stalked and killed four days after the burning stopped." I turned my gaze to the floor. Ana seemed like such a kind, forgiving soul, and it had nearly torn me to pieces when I discovered she had been killed. "I hated killing vampires…it was why I contemplated running away to America, though fate had other plans for me, I suppose…it's poetic justice, at best. The son of a vampire slayer, because he was merciful, became a vampire…but shouldn't it have been my father? I wish he could have understood…"

"Yes…" he gave me a pained look. "But you cannot regret what has happened to you…think of it as a chance to do whatever you want with your life…it's a second chance."

"Right. Second chance…" I thought of something. "When I was a child, I wanted to do nothing more than to help people…still do, it's my life's goal…it was why I initially tolerated being a minister, though I hated the idea of what I had to do on the side. I obviously cannot run errands for people, since it would require me to be out in the sun, possibly exposing myself…"

"You're intelligent…why not become a physician?"

"Ridiculous. What kind of world exists with vampires as medics?" I had to admit though, the idea was appealing.

"Egypt, actually…I have a friend from there, he's lived and practiced all over, and he knows all sorts of things…probably would be thrilled with the idea of having an apprentice. You will live forever, and people will always need a doctor…so why not? You'd never be out of a job. And, maybe, someone might just learn vampires aren't all bloodthirsty killers."

"Actually…yes, that does sound enticing, actually…this friend of yours still living in Egypt?"

Ciro laughed, seemingly pleased by my newfound confidence.

"Possibly, but I'll have to check. He moves often, so people do not suspect anything, given the fact he never ages, though goes to the same places over and over…in a circuit of every so many years. Given my calculations, he is either in Egypt or Spain, though I assume he's probably still in Egypt. Within the next sixty years, he should be returning to Rome, though I could hardly expect you to wait that long…how about this? I will leave at the end of the week and hunt him down, then will return within two days to Volterra. Then, you may become the world's second vampire medic, how does that sound?"

"Excellent," I smiled widely, at the idea of finally getting to do what I wanted to, after so long of being told.

"Hold your smile a while longer…" he said, as he sketched me quickly. "It's a rare thing to see a grinning vampire…what with Aro being so serious and all…" he finished it quickly, then nodded in signal I could stop.

"Just needs a little more work, then I'll show it to you…really, I find you quite interesting, since you're much different from the others. Forgive me if I'm imposing, but I would like to use you as a subject more often."

"I hardly mind."


	3. Chapter 3: The Test

Two weeks had passed, and a new meeting was called, this time by Ciro. Aro had been initially confused by this action, wondering who could possibly be arriving to meet with the Volturi without sending a notice, but it was relatively easy for the cheerful vampire to twist Aro's arm and he called the meeting anyhow. I waited in my typical place, Ciro at the foot of the stairs in lieu of the visitor. Eventually, the doors swung open, and an imposing figure stood in the doorway, who looked somewhat aged, a few silver hairs hiding in his mainly midnight black hair, which had been cut relatively short. His eyes were also golden, and he had a seemingly kind expression, which steeled as soon as he saw Caius off to the left.

"You again…" he growled softly, as Caius bared his fangs at him, slowly getting to his feet and leaning menacingly in the other vampire's general direction.

"Now, now, no need for fighting with our visitor, Caius," Aro said with what seemed to be an air of calm, though I could detect a hint of worry in his voice. "Let past troubles be past troubles, not your current ones…"

Caius grumbled to himself and backed off, as the other vampire almost shyly walked to the center of the room.

"Aro…surely you remember me." He bowed low, his voice deeper than what it seemed it should have been.

"Giove…" Aro seemed to have nothing against this particular vampire. "A pleasant surprise…surely, a truly unique immortal as yourself has a fascinating collection of stories to tell, concerning your forty year absence…"

Giove extended his hand in Aro's general direction, inviting him to look into his past. Most vampires didn't do this unless asked, and I got the impression he was a rather shy, reserved vampire, but one who seemed to have nothing to hide. Aro stood slowly and fluidly reached out to accept Giove's offer. An amused expression spread slowly over his face as he read the vampire's thoughts, and he eventually turned to me with an interested grin.

"Carlisle…you are choosing to take after Giove?"

Ciro watched me as I almost negated the idea, but I gathered my resolve and nodded.

"Yes. It is what I feel I was born to do."

Aro raised an eyebrow at me skeptically.

"Feeling confident today, are we? Out of character for you, I must say…it must mean you cannot be lying. I suppose you understand the…difficulty of the task you are undertaking, correct?"

"Yes, I do. I am willing to give anything."

"Very well, then…Giove, give this man a job…"

"Rather crafty, I must say…" Caius added with a smirk. "You could easily get away with draining patients, passing it off as accidental death…"

"I do not believe in killing my patients…" Giove said, something dangerous creeping into his voice. Ciro stepped in Giove's direction and placed a hand on his arm firmly.

"He is not worth your attention," Ciro turned to give Caius a bitter look, then led him down the hallway.

Aro turned to me in question.

"Well, Carlisle, you certainly do not want to keep your mentor waiting, do you? I suggest you be off…unless, of course, you would like to join us for dinner…"

I shook my head and started off down the hallway, not able to get out of there quickly enough.

"He's somewhat shy," Ciro explained to me, as we waited in the courtyard for Giove, who had promised Ciro he would meet us there as soon as possible. "Though I suppose one cannot blame the man…he has been through a lot…"

"What, exactly?"

"He was disowned by his father, after his father proclaimed medicine an affront to the will of God…his mother died before he ever knew her, and was left by a woman once. She simply took advantage of his position in society, then left one night and was never heard from again." He shook his head. "Tis a wonder Giove even found will enough to live, after all that…though he is excellent at finding the positives of even the worst situations…upon realizing what he was after being turned, he decided to devote the rest of his days to medicine. He reasoned if he had a long, eternal life, he may as well do something worthwhile in the world."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than Giove walked into the sunlight, his face glinting under the hot Italian sun. His face was molded into an expression of amusement, and somewhat of annoyance.

"Telling my life's story, Ciro? You would do well to allow the storyteller to relay his own tale, friend."

"My apologies, Giove. I could hardly refrain from satiating Carlisle's curiosity. Damn me and my big mouth."

Giove chuckled good-naturedly and took a place on the bench across from us, and took a good, long look at me.

He seemed to be sizing me up, or at least judging me in some way…

"You seem curious about me…see, I do have a talent. I am a perfect judge of character…can tell anything about a man's heart just by looking at him…" Giove said, giving me a halfhearted smile. "You pass my examination, as you are not in this for any personal gain, rather as a result of a giving, compassionate heart…I would have refused to share my knowledge if that was the truth. Riches fulfill very little of a man's desires, know that now."

I nodded. The vampire seemed wise, from what I could tell.

"Now, tell me. Have you any resistance to human blood?"

"Some…" I felt uncomfortable, in the company of two vampires who didn't even turn their heads at spilled blood. It took every ounce of willpower I had to keep myself away from even a person who had cut himself on paper.

"No need to feel shame. We all had to learn resistance at one point…" he said, reading me perfectly. "I understand thirst as much as Ciro does…I would be lying to say I wasn't tempted occasionally, even if I have learned self control. Just because one would die upon eating wisteria does not mean one cannot enjoy its fragrance…" He shook his head slowly and returned to the current matter. "It will take a while, but you could be taught control…I need to go to the market anyhow…you would be well served to come with me, as practice."

I nodded, and Ciro gave Giove a meaningful look.

"You would be wise to come as well…I cannot keep my full attention on him the entire time…it would be such a waste for Aro to have to burn him…"

Ciro nodded and we rose, as faint screams of terror could be made out from indoors.

The market was a bustling, noisy place, where Aro took great caution not to bring me unless absolutely necessary. Horses and carts clopped by, and children raced eachother over the cobblestones. I held my breath as we walked through the streets, feeling as though I were being quartered by the effort. Ciro kept a firm hold on my upper arm, with Giove walking at my other side in warning.

"Really, it isn't that bad once you get accustomed to it, I promise," Ciro whispered to me at vampire tone. "It gets easier with time…"

I nodded and swallowed the acrid venom pooling in my mouth, constantly reminding myself it was something I didn't want to do, I was not a killer, I could survive without it. Eventually, after what seemed to be twenty minutes of some of the worst torture I had ever endured, we turned into a shop, the barrier between me and the street making my life somewhat easier.

"You can breathe…" Ciro promised. "It mainly smells of elixirs in here…"

Timidly, I took a breath, and realized it was difficult, but nothing I couldn't handle on my own. Only one human was actually inside the plaster walls…God, it was tempting, but I had promised myself I would learn control. Giove gave me a wary glance of warning as the man walked closer to us, and turned to him. I had no idea what they were talking about, since I was more interested in examining the contents of the store. All manner of dried herbs and flowers hung from the ceiling, while jars of what seemed hundreds of potions lined one wall. Some smelled bitter, from what I could tell, though a few were sweet, almost sugary. I took one off the shelf cautiously and read the hastily written label. _Rosewater…_I returned it to its place and found something particularly appealing, and scanned the label. _Tyger's blood…_funny, it smelled rather like deer blood to me. Ciro watched me carefully, following only inches behind me, making sure I wouldn't slip.

"What is all this…"

"It's an apothecary…you know, medicines for humans…some work, some don't, and Giove knows which ones do. It's a basic part of medicine…"

"Oh."

Giove turned to look in our direction briefly, and turned back to the man, taking a small object wrapped in paper from him. As soon as he met us at one end of the building, he led us back onto the streets, and eyed me warily.

I followed him back onto the busy street and felt overly confident, enough I felt I could take a small breath…I did, and immediately felt the crazed feeling set in, both Giove and Ciro noticing me lose focus and start to wander aimlessly behind them, glancing at a group of nearby humans hungrily. Ciro quickly took hold of one of my arms, leaning closer to me.

"Come, Carlisle…you don't want to…" He argued, attempting to make me see reason. "You'd be ashamed, and Aro would kill you…you promised yourself…come."

I shook my head, and he took a firmer hold on me.

"Your willpower is stronger than your instinct…it has no power over you…" he said, voice more urgent, as Giove hurried over to us. "Instinct would make you solely an animal, unable to think for itself and do what is noble…now, be you animal, or be you a man?"

"Neither…I am a vampire…"

"You mustn't say such things about yourself…you have a heart…those are innocent people, do you want to kill them? They have families, and houses, and jobs…do you want to deprive the world of them? Come, we are leaving. You can walk away…Giove and I do it all the time…"

I sighed, letting it go. Still drawn, but more so by what was just, I let Ciro lead me away, who seemed to be glowing. Eventually, we arrived back to the mansion, and both of the vampires guarded me closely until we were inside.


	4. Chapter 4: Lead Us Not Into Temptation

"You handled yourself most admirably, well done," Giove said warmly, lying whatever it was on the nearby table.

"But, I almost killed someone…" I was getting mixed messages from all this.

"Ah, but you were strong enough to walk away from it…" Ciro countered, seemingly proud of my actions. "Not many vampires could have done that…"

"I partially indulged my instinct…"

"Instinct, young one, is nothing to be ashamed of," the older man's deep voice echoed from across the room. "In truth, it actually is something to take pride in. Quite useful in diagnosing illnesses, not to mention it provides a deeper connection with other vampires."

"Oh," I didn't know what he meant by that, but decided it would come up eventually and let the topic pass by. "So, what do I do now?"

"This," Giove pondered the items on the table, debating something internally. "This will wait. You must learn the most applicable and important things before you learn the simple, less pressing things, which are quite limited in number and in usefulness."

"And those important things would be…?"

Nonchalantly, he made his way to the corner of the room, withdrawing something from the deep pocket into his hand and closing his fingers around it.

"Apparently, young one, you have never taken the time in which to learn the paramount lesson needed to practice human medicine."

"Oh…I'm sorry…"

He smirked, glancing back at me as he uncorked the thing in his hand-oh, so it was a vial-and pressed a cloth over the top, turning it upside down.

"You have nothing to apologize for." He righted the vial, closing it back and drawing the cloth back toward his sleeve. "It was something you could not have found the context in which to do, circumstances being as they were."

Something began to ache in my throat, though I knew not what it was. Apparently, Ciro was more insightful than I was, and reached a hand out to the gruff vampire's shoulder.

"Giove…perhaps this is pushing the lad too far too soon…"

"Nonsense," he glanced back at Ciro over his shoulder, regarding him with patience. "The more accustomed he is to it under the most pressing of circumstances, the more reliable he will be. You underwent similar treatment, if I recall correctly."

"Yes, but I was much older and had a stronger heart. Carlisle…" he glanced back at me painfully, unable to continue lest something happen. Giove raised an eyebrow at him bemusedly, waiting for him to speak. Ciro sighed, shrugging and walking away in defeat to the wall beside the window. "Forget I spoke, gentlemen."

He leaned back against the stone, lowering his forehead into a hand and shaking it exhaustedly.

"Would you wish for me to remain here, Giove?"

"Yes, though I would like for you to leave the boy to his own devices for as long as possible."

"I'm _not _a boy," I snapped, sick of being patronized. Why was I being so touchy all of a sudden?

"Oh?" Giove smirked. "Perhaps we will regard you as a man once you earn the privilege."

"And how would I do that?"

"By demonstrating your finer traits…patience, loyalty, intellect, courtesy, compassion…" he pulled whatever was on the cloth out of his sleeve. "And, most importantly, self-control."

At first, I was dumbfounded over what had occurred, and wondered why Ciro's head had snapped up, if only for a moment. Then, as strongly as a cart horse running recklessly into my chest, it hit me. I stopped breathing, backing up slowly. Giove dropped the cloth to the floor, the scarlet stain obvious against the white background as it floated to a stop on the rug.

"If you're going to practice medicine, you will come into contact with copious amounts of human blood. And, no matter how tempting it would be to simply take advantage of a dying patient or to attack an injured one, you may not, by morals and by the Lord's will, do so simply because you are weak."

"It isn't weakness," the man by the window nearly growled at Giove. "It is simply instinct."

"Ah, and is weakness not an instinct? To back away from what may be difficult or troublesome, even if for the benefit of others? Some instincts are good to have…others, however, need to be dealt with immediately and to the effect of termination."

This silenced Ciro again, and he returned to his post by the window. Giove turned back to me, grinning at me in challenge.

"What is the matter, Carlisle? Have you been left speechless?"

I shook my head, glancing away. Oh, God! It took all of my composure to stay in place and not attack the cloth like a wild animal. I would not allow myself to move or to breathe until I felt in control of myself…which, at this point, seemed a feat ages away from my current state.

"If you are to play the role of human, you must be able to breathe and speak fluidly, even in this situation. This is even a situation less difficult than it would be in practice…this blood is old and there is no heartbeat to seduce you."

"Seduce me?" I was taken aback by the raunchy suggestion, and Giove chuckled darkly.

"Oh, so it appears you can, indeed, speak. Well, I suppose I ought to continue my thoughts." He began to pace slowly around the room, keeping his gaze fixed on me, watching my every reaction. "See, there is something passionate to the lifestyle of vampires. The darkest of temptations leading to an act leaving the undead in a state of pure bliss…'tis a rather unrestrained life, if you would ask my opinion. We, however, believe in remaining abstinent from the temptress that is our perverted, strongest desire. And, remaining abstinent is most easily done if one remains a virgin…" He stopped once he reached me, amused by what was obviously my displayed internal struggle, "in other words, being ignorant to what is to be missed."

"Wouldn't it be easier to abstain if one tries something to discover the consequences associated with an act?"

I spoke quickly, eager not to waste breath. Giove sighed, shaking his head.

"Not quite, Carlisle. Many I know have used that reasoning as an excuse to try human blood. They all thought that perhaps the guilt associated with murder would deter them from ever trying it again, though bloodlust is a powerful thing. Once it arises, it will stop at nothing, not even the desire of a man's heart, to attain what it wants. A good many of those poor experimenters were driven mad by the conflicting desires in their being-between the heart and the body."

"Oh."

"I will tell you this, however. I have been…converted, for lack of a better explanation, by Ciro. It was an arduous process, much more difficult than your current situation, I assure you. It is hard to deny yourself something after having it at your fingertips for so long. However, I remain confident in my abilities in the current day. I know that my conscience overpowers my darkest desires. And, at some point, you will realize the same thing."

"Carlisle, in order for this to work, you must continue to speak and breathe. If you do not embrace the challenge, you will accomplish nothing," Ciro was blunt with me, and I was shocked. He had only ever been gentle, though I supposed I earned such reprimand for my decision to avoid my task. "It isn't quite as difficult as many would have you believe."

Seeing I had no other choice, I sighed, breathing in deeply and exhaling heavily. Immediately, my throat was set afire, and I had to pace to keep my mind off the scent lingering so heavily in the air.


	5. Chapter 5: Psalm 63

**A/N: Sorry this piece is so short! It didn't mesh well with anything else in the story, so I had to put it by itself. That, and I figured all of you following this would appreciate a segment after my account was being evil for a while (I couldn't upload anything-EGADS!) That, and I haven't had much time to myself lately, no thanks to my Gender Studies professor from you-know-where. Please make my day and review this! **

"That's the spirit, lad! Embrace it, don't run from it!"

I glanced at the brazened vampire in shock. I had never heard such praise from him, and, by Ciro's expression, he apparently hadn't either. Giove shrugged, turning to a shelf behind him and tossing me a leather-bound book.

"Perhaps if you are occupied, the time will pass more quickly. Read Psalm 63 for us, would you?"

I nodded, turning to the appropriate chapter, my hands trembling slightly in an effort to control myself as I attempted to approximate a human's breathing rate.

"O God, thou art my God, early I will seek thee-"

"Slow down. No human on earth talks that quickly, except for when threatened or lying."

"My soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for me in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is; to see thy power and glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary."

"Quite ironic you would choose that section, Giove."

"Oh, I've had my fair share of sermons in my time." He winked at Ciro, and I wondered what was going on.

"I'm afraid I don't understand the larger point in this exchange," I told them, and Giove glanced back at me. I felt my upper body quiver in my attempts to resist the proverbial elephant in the room, and he sighed, smiling gently.

"Reflect upon your lesson, and you will understand." He walked over to the center of the floor and retrieved the cloth. "I believe I have tortured you long enough for one day. You may be dismissed."

I wandered around outside in the courtyard, feeling ill at ease. I was thirsty, that much I knew, but I couldn't leave the mansion alone. I guessed I would have to wait until someone else wanted to leave, but didn't like the prospect of having to be uncomfortable for so long.

"I suppose you would want to hunt," Ciro wandered up to me, and I nodded feverishly in response. "Yes, as I expected. Giove is a bit sadistic at times. He likes to see others suffer, because at one point he had to suffer as well. It's only nature, I suppose, and provides his mind with an image of fair treatment. However, he is not a perverted man…simply…" he glanced upward, as if the answer was in the clouds above, "he has a heavy weight on his conscience, and that is how he expresses it. We all have a weight; though we do not always demonstrate it the same way…it matters not. Come, we must leave soon if we are to return before nightfall."

I didn't have to be coerced, and darted out into the street, Ciro close behind me.


	6. Chapter 6: Still There

"So," I walked through the forest at a leisurely pace as soon as I could no longer smell or hear any humans, the sunset over Volterra dyeing the forest brilliant shades of pink, purple, and gold with black shade weaving in between like snakes below our feet. "I didn't understand what Giove meant earlier."

"I assume you mean with the psalm?"

"Yes," I immediately found myself on the ground with a deer in my arms, all its blood gone before either it or I knew what was happening. I smirked a bit nervously back at Ciro, somewhat embarrassed at having so suddenly relented my control. He, however, was not fazed, continuing to speak to me as if I hadn't acted at all.

"Giove tends to act in poignant ways, and does nothing without a purpose. Perhaps the meaning of the passage did not cross your mind, as you were otherwise occupied. However, consider it. Without the pomp, it could be translated as such: God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a barren land."

"So?"

"He was referencing our base desires. Think again about it."

Actually, the more I considered it, and the more the deer's blood unclouded my thought process, the more sense it made. I lay the body beneath the roots of a tree for scavengers, standing slowly and brushing dirt and cloven hoof prints off my breeches.

"He was saying, in essence," I slowly looked up at him, "that given my former life, I should draw strength from whence I found it before?"

"Exactly. If your devotion to the Lord is as strong as or even stronger than your bloodlust, you will find a way to endure this treatment, this…conditioning, if you will."

"Oh," I stared out at the sunset, the words engraved upon my heart threatening to jump out of my chest at any moment. Apparently, they chose to do so at that moment, which, in retrospect, was opportune. "Ciro, does God even care about us anymore?"

The gentle natured, reserved vampire sighed softly, still regarding the setting sun.

"Why would you ask something as that?"

He darted forward, and, unsure of what I had done, if I had offended him, I followed as quickly as I could; perhaps it was in vain, as I was the slowest vampire I had ever known. I chased him uphill, and nearly fell off balance as he suddenly halted in a fluid motion, not moving out of my way. He caught me right before I fell off the cliff at the edge of the golden forest, letting me catch my balance and back up off the cliffside before he let me go. I instinctually folded my arms across my chest, as here, the light was sufficient to make Ciro's exposed skin glow softly, and I didn't want my glow to be evident. Why was I so afraid of what I was? Ciro seemed so much more at peace with himself; I wished that someday, I could find that peace myself.

"It's alright," he smirked gently at my reticence to expose myself. "No one can see you here but me and the heavens, and we all know what you are. You have nothing to hide."

I slowly did as he asked, my glittering skin frightening me slightly. Try as I may, I hadn't been able to embrace that side of my being yet.

"Carlisle, you told me at one point that your father made you who you were, and that you had no option to pursue what you desired…there must be a reason you were changed. Think…you're free to be yourself now. Certainly the good Lord had your best interests in mind when He let you live through that fearsome night."

"Maybe…" I winced as the wind blew through the hillside, wind lapping at my clothes. Instead of fearing it, the older vampire embraced it, closing his eyes and smiling contentedly as the wind passed by.

"I've always assumed we were made in God's image as well. I think…that maybe we were human and in His image, but now, as more powerful and intelligent than we were…we are more so His reflection."

I nodded silently, still pondering the town below us. Volterra-so large when I first arrived, seemed tiny from the hill….and was even smaller compared to the rest of the world. I had a lot more to see before I was anywhere near as experienced as Ciro.

"We are God's?" His logic astounded me, turning everything I had assumed while wandering in the outskirts of London upon its head. Words from Leviticus raced through my head regarding the sinfulness of drinking blood, but this revelation overshadowed them temporarily.

"We always were and always will be…in my eyes, anyway."

Impressive…so I was still somewhat of the person I had been before. Some part of me hadn't been changed by the venom of a vampire that was only a shadow lurking in my memories, the part of me that was God's reflection. And that was the first time I wondered if maybe, just maybe, if I was still of God, and still in His image, that I still had a soul. Eventually, Ciro seemed to tire of the sunset, starting back through the forest. Thankful for this moment of insight, I trailed him back toward the town, reflecting on all he told me.


	7. Chapter 7: Heart to Heart

A knock sounded upon my door almost an hour after I had returned, and I was almost positive of who it was.

"Yes?" I replied softly, and as expected, the artist entered with his sketchbook and charcoal. I glanced at him in question, and he beseeched me softly,

"Do you mind if I…"

"Not at all." I shrugged, continuing to stare blankly out the window at the rising stars in the direction of the cliff we had just visited. After all, whether or not he knew it, he had just done me a great favor. "Might I ask what you are drawing, exactly?"

"Oh, it's simply a practice sketch. I plan to paint something else later on in the year."

"What are you going to paint?"

"You will see when the time comes…as a matter of fact, you will be in it."

I could have sworn I saw him smile warmly down at the canvas out of the corner of my eye, though I couldn't be certain. What was he thinking about painting?

"Why don't you sketch anyone else?" I mentally kicked myself after I realized my tone was harsher than I had meant it to be, sounding more like I was annoyed than curious.

"Oh, if I've bothered you, I'm sorry," he started to shuffle around and collect things, though I stopped him as he reached for a pencil on the windowsill beside me.

"No, not in the least," I smiled at him in one of the few times I ever made the gesture. "I simply wondered why I am so frequently your subject of choice."

"Well, there is a different air about you. Aro and the brothers…exude an atmosphere of power, refinement, and immortality. You, on the other hand, are less intimidating…one look at you and I know you are compassionate, kind, and sensible by nature. It's all in the way you present yourself, I suppose."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, no, not in the least! Especially with your interests…the less intimidating you can make yourself, the more likely you are to blend in with the humans. Not to mention, it makes you a better friend."

"You consider me a friend?" I looked away from the stars, regarding the man hunched over paper in the soft candlelight.

"Certainly," he smirked at the picture forming below his hands. "You're a charming person, plain and simple, not to mention quite gracious and caring. I'm more surprised, frankly, that you aren't swarmed by members of the vampire community seeking your companionship."

"Then again, I am unusual…" Volterra's streets, dimming with the rising moon, were beginning to quiet. Twilight-it was the loneliest time of the day, when the streets became silent and the mansion morphed from a fantastic work of art into a desolate scene from a nightmare. Sometimes at this hour, I wondered where my former family was, if my line was still living in England. What I wouldn't give to once more visit my relatives, perhaps even my widowed mother…alas, I never could, as an allegedly dead man…no, boy. I had a lot of growing to do before I could consider myself a man. I sighed, the last of my cheerful thoughts escaping in a cold breath.

"Hold your expression for just a bit longer…" he sketched something quickly, charcoal scratching against the paper, then nodded. "Alright, you may move."

I didn't, though. The night wind galloped through my hair, tossing it back in the blue light. I heard the frantic scratching slow down, then ultimately turn silent.

"Is something the matter, Carlisle?"

Yes, there was so much on my mind, but I was a vampire, a creature who didn't need anyone or anything other than blood to survive. I shouldn't have felt my heart being torn to shreds in my chest over something ridiculously human in its emotions as having lost my family. I shook my head, and felt the wind whip in the opposite direction briefly. I was then vaguely aware of a presence materializing at my side.

"Humans craft legends about our kind. We're allegedly strong, fearsome creatures without a shred of humanity," his voice softened, and he shook his head, glancing away. "Without even the slightest compunction…Carlisle, do not disclose this information to anyone else, but some members of the guard, even Aro himself, have admitted to feeling slightly guilty at times for the lives they lead. While it isn't enough to deter them from their lifestyles, the fact remains that it exists…" he sighed, returning his gaze to me with a somber expression. "The humans' fairytales were wrong, and based solely on what we do instead of who we are as people. Frankly, if we feel guilt for what we do, I think we must have something…vulnerable, something human about us."

I didn't dare look at him, since I could feel my eyes stinging. I was still me, under the exterior reality had created, and my thoughts from earlier solidified. That wasn't going to be something I forgot for a long time…so I could have emotions. It wasn't unusual or weak for me to suffer heartbreak.

"We're not the beasts of legend…we do feel emotion, and you should feel no shame for it."

How did he know what I was thinking? Sometimes, I wondered if this man shared part of his soul with everyone he met, and could read them accordingly. It was a frightening thought, but then again, God could search me as well, and with greater depth. I pondered that for a while, wondering if that searching condemned the essence of my being or praised my efforts for resisting it.

"I miss my family," I admitted after a while, and he nodded, staring out at the stars as well. He probably couldn't meet my gaze either while discussing something so emotional.

"We all miss the ones we loved. It's a small price to pay for immortality, though, don't you think? Well, close to immortality, anyhow."

"What's so great about immortality?" I mumbled, and glanced away so he couldn't see my face. The last thing I wanted was for him to see my expression and suspect something. I had contemplated-no, attempted-suicide multiple times, and had never succeeded despite my best attempts. I wanted out of this strange world, though it was a cruel twist of fate that I was stuck here, and the only way for me to die was to have someone kill me-a fate I was too cowardly to meet.

"What's not great about it?" He sounded utterly confused by my thought. "You're extraordinarily skilled, have the pleasure of seeing the world progress, analyze things deeper than you could before…even accomplish great things, now that we are constantly awake and are not hindered by human needs. I have experienced things I never thought possible in my human life, and thank God every day that I was given such an opportunity, even if it was a diamond in the rough I could not make sense of in the beginning. There is a positive side to everything, Carlisle," he turned away, collecting up his papers and binder. "You just have to look for it."


	8. Chapter 8: In Translation

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait! I've been incredibly busy lately with a nasty virus, company, and celebrations within the family! This chapter is a bit shorter than the rest, I think, but there's more to come as soon as my writer's block lets up!**

An unusually hot day rose after a long night, the sun beating down mercilessly on the city and driving everyone into the shade. A rooster crowed somewhere off in the distance, likely in a peddler's cage, and I groaned as I made my way down to the courtyard in the lightest clothing I possessed. My frustration only increased as the voices of the villagers became audible, a mess of language I had no hope of understanding, as nobody seemed interested in teaching me Italian. I knew it was because the others talked about things in that language that they didn't want me privy of, but it was still annoying that I couldn't understand even the most basic messages from anyone.

"Good morning!"

Though it usually made things a little less bleak, Ciro's positive attitude was already getting to me today.

"Did you wake up on the wrong side of the coffin?" He chuckled, and I rolled my eyes. "Usually you're in a decent mood."

"Usually," I muttered, and rubbed my temples, trying to get the sounds of daily life outside the mansion walls out of my head. "It's so confusing…I can't understand anyone in this city."

"Well, the humans are similar to us in many regards. They are not as different as one would-"

"No, that isn't what I meant," I sighed, recognizing the edge in my voice and trying to dull it. "What I mean is, I can't speak or understand Italian."

He didn't respond except for to raise an eyebrow at me in disbelief.

"I'm calling your bluff. You've lived here for what, a year? I find it hard to believe that a vampire would not be able to learn the language in that length of time, what with perfect recall and limitless ability to practice."

"Well, it seems the others take great care to keep me ignorant. I wonder why…"

"And they won't even think of letting you learn?"

That one fact seemed to be as much of a surprise to him as it had been to me, when I figured out what was going on. I nodded, continuing in slight hysteria.

"Actually, I'm nearly positive they are set against it. They've confiscated every book I've tried to borrow that has an English equivalent, and don't let me around anyone in the city for very long who might be able to teach me…sometimes, I wonder if they hate me or something, if I can't learn the language. I mean, there have been a few times when it might have been nice to know…"

He glanced up at the sky, as if the answer lay in the clouds, then suddenly spoke to me in words I couldn't understand.

"_E 'una bella giornata_."

"I beg your pardon?" What on earth? From the lilt of the sounds, I knew he was speaking to me in Italian, and I didn't understand him. Why would he bother telling me something in that language if I had no idea what he was saying, and had just told him so?

"It's a beautiful day." He spoke slowly, but with purpose to the words. "_E 'una bella giornata_."

Oh...oh! I joined him in grinning. He was going to teach me Italian on the sly! Tricky, but clever...he always was running the two languages together as an easily excitable person, and so it wouldn't seem unusual to Aro. So...his tic could then be used as an advantage to grant me insight into this strange world! I tried to absorb that phrase into my mind, holding onto the words for all it was worth. I promised myself that somehow, some way, I would eventually learn to understand what the others were saying. Little did I know then, though, that they had been saying things I didn't want to hear.


End file.
